In Deep Waters... Oso blue-ish... Feelin more bLuE!!!

well wada u noe... im finalli feelin the rush for things ahahaha... it took soo damn long tt now im oredi in deep waters and feelin damn blue n the water being blue due to the reflection from the blue-blue sky, its magnifying to my blue-ish life...

somethings wrong internally within me n i dunnoe y lor... haiz.. mayb i should jus go to a shrink n get tings straightened out before it consumes my own entity...


the oni way for me to catch-up to the surface of these pool of water is for me to swim endlessly n tire myself out to the limits if i wana survive.... yet, if i were to tire myself out before surfacing, wldnt it b like a suicide mission???

wat the heck... gotta take the chance rite? n risk it
i mean life is abt choices, planning, and if all fails risk it all... or am i tt type to do so?


OMG!!! im soo contradiciting myself too much... like these, it will never settle... OMG!!! freaking pissed!!! freaking Oblivion!!!


I've let down many people in my life n it will continue... how many must i let down to realise my own pathetic soulless self?

Am i jus a plain pathetic guy or wat? i keep feelin soo remorseful n pathetic as i recall of my past, present and foreseeing my future...

yet i try my best in tryin to follow my motto of, 'u can oni move forward, reminisce the past, live the present, move towards future...'

yet i feel as if im still stuck in the past... hav i done soo much sin tt im repayin it now? could it be tt? or is it because of myself? my pathetic self that seems to get in trouble wif almost everywher n everything? feelin soo clueless, feelin soo lost... im jus stuck rite here n now.. loosing my own true self, yet i feel the need of rushing but im jus stuck... is it human instinct wen in a tight spot, u'll try to get out of it ASAP?
yet i hav to try my best in keeping others from knowing im havin my own serious issues with myself... like a physcological warfare inside...
dun wana make ppl worry nor i wan them involved... it doesnt bring much good to those hu are involved wif my probs...
no benefits nor any credits... nothing good will come out of it...

I hav to fake to others that im OK n normal as ive always have... yet alone, in the shadows, behind closed doors... im suffering, crying out the pain within me tt im feelin n suffering from... the pain i plan n will bear alone for it is mine n mine alone to bear as the responsibility of my life falls onto my ownself, my own existence, my pathetic self entity...

Hoping n wishing to find the key to my life...